Smiling At the Future

“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.” – Anton Ego in Ratatouille

How easy it is to criticize and complain.  It’s easy to tear down, to put others down, and supposedly build ourselves up in the process, isn’t it?

I am most often surprised at the seething criticism and spite that comes from people within the same artistic disciplines or within the same faith.  For example, many photographers seem to thrive on tearing other photographers apart. They have certain ‘standards’, questions they ask to bait you, such as “Well, did you ever shoot with film?”  They ask this as though photographers of the digital age using digital cameras and digital darkrooms are less of an artist, as though it requires less of a vision, or less of an ‘eye’, or less knowledge.

They’ll pounce on others and tear them down and tear them apart, decrying any level of success that they have.

It’s so much easier that way.  It’s easier than, say, stepping in and coaching and helping that person (if they desire that).  Or wishing them well.  Or even, in a more positive vein, building up something ‘better’.  It’s easier to sit back, not expend any energy, not get invested, and just criticize.

It’s Everywhere

We’re capable of doing that in any area, aren’t we?  We tear down movies, art, other people’s work, other people’s accomplishments.  We tear down the church, the pastor, the worship leader.  We sit and complain and criticize rather than doing something.

Nevermind that we don’t even give credit for someone having the nerve, the guts, the sheer courage to put themselves and their work out there.  We don’t give them credit for the time, effort, sweat, the hard work that they put in.  We don’t give them credit for being ‘where they are’ and that they’ll grow and develop and become better over time.

Nevermind all that.  Getting to that point alone takes work.  But what about going even deeper?

Other Options

To be truly honest?  I struggle with this at times.  I do.  I’m as guilty as the next person at times. For me, it is especially difficult when I come across things that I am absolutely, 100% diametrically opposed to.  I struggle very often with the movements (oh yes, there’s a movement) out there in ‘the Christian world’ that wants to define for us what a ‘true woman’ is.  And of course, she bakes. Her sole purpose in life is to procreate.  She cannot fulfill God’s purpose for her without doing so. There’s a certain type of woman we’re meant to be and the rest of us are not ‘true women’.  And so on.  You know the drill.

Ya think that might get to me?  Yeah.  It does.  And what I’ve wanted to do is rant and rave and scream and yell.  What I’ve wanted to do is get my back up and tell ‘them’ what they can and cannot tell me — and who God says I am, and that He outranks them, thank you very much.  ;-) I’ve wanted to point out the traits that they criticize in other women are the very traits they’re exhibiting.

And then it hit me.  That’s the easy answer, isn’t it?  It’s easy to shake your fist at the wind.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in emotion and start standing on chairs and yelling and screaming.  It’s easy to join a populist-styled ‘movement’.

It’s harder to do as we’re told in James 4:

“Do not speak against one another, brethren.  he who speaks against a brother, or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law;  but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.  There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy, but who are you to judge your neighbor?”  - James 4:11-12

Does that mean we just let it go and don’t do anything?  No.  But it changes your perspective as to what you do and how you do them.  It’s harder, for example, to leave them to the work they’ve chosen to do — and to step back and decide instead — to build something.  To ‘be the change‘.  It’s harder to disengage and instead find and build a community that uplifts and builds us up to be who God meant for us to be.  That celebrates who we are.  That brings people together in a positive way that helps others and contributes.  It’s harder to welcome a variety of voices that builds a beautiful, vibrant chorus when singing all together.

What have you been criticizing and complaining about lately? What really gets you going?  Is there something there that you can do instead?  Ways you can contribute?  Ways you can build something positive out of it and rather than criticize, create?

Love,

deb

(Today’s guest post comes to us from the lovely Viviana Sutton.  Vivana is an uber-multi-tasker who keeps things moving as the Content and Community Director over at WorkHerWay.com.  She’s an amazing and gifted woman, with a great perspective and a lot of value to say.  ;-))

Whenever misbehaving kids get sent to the office at my little boy’s school, they have a talk with our (awesome) principal. When they apologize, he always praises them for doing so, and clearly tells them he accepts the apology and forgives them. The young ones get a hug or handshake.
Then, he will gently say the same thing every time, “You know, there’s still going to be a consequence for this.”

They learn the importance of apologizing, they learn to forgive because they’ve been forgiven, and they learn that he loves them even when they behave in a way that is not lovely.

They also learn that sitting out for recess is painful and not something they want to have to do again, and that helps to keep them from doing whatever it was again. It also helps the other kids to know that if they misbehave in school, they might be sent to the office.

I confess that I’m having trouble with the fact that, this past August, Scotland released a mass murderer (the Pan Am 103 bomber), who killed over 200 people, including babies, because he appealed on humanitarian grounds because of his cancer. He went home to a victorious welcome in Libya.

For their own peace and often because of their own beliefs, many of the grieving relatives of the murder victims have had to come to terms with what this man did by choosing to forgive him. That is an awesome display of love for humanity. Particularly since I don’t recall hearing that the man humbled himself and asked for their forgiveness. They gave it anyway, which is biblical and very difficult to do, I’m sure.

However, there still has to be a consequence.

I’ve heard it pointed out by a few people that expecting this terrorist to spend the rest of his life in prison is terribly harsh and “unforgiving.” No, forgiveness does not remove the reality of a consequence. Don’t accuse these people of not having forgiven him just because they expect him to remain in prison. The forgiving was probably really, really hard for them to do and now the world is going to say they didn’t do it?

Another example: If a husband or wife is unfaithful, there is a chance that their spouse will forgive them. However, damage was done, rebuilding needs to happen, and things will be difficult for a time, even when both husband and wife are truly seeking to mend, not to punish. Actions have consequences, and the cheater cannot rightfully expect that everything will go back to exactly as it was, immediately. That doesn’t mean the spouse did not truly forgive.

Maybe the marriage will end up stronger because they endured the consequence of the difficult times. That’s God using something for good, and it wouldn’t have happened if there hadn’t been not one, but TWO things: Forgiveness and consequences.

A while back, over at the old blog, I wrote a post called “Well-Behaved Can Make History.”  (The full piece is still up on my ‘expert contributor’s page’ at www.workherway.com  here.)

In it, I largely spoke about women’s roles in culture and in the workplace, and how they’d evolved from the Mad-Men-like stay-at-home moms and steno-pool girls to clawing our way to the top while behaving more and more like men in the process.  We clawed our way into the boardrooms, but when we got there we got so used to having the claws out that we forgot to put them back in.

And so I ended the piece with this:

Bright Future Ahead

….

But I see us continuing to head this direction. To continue forging our own paths – together. And I think that’s the best way to go from here.

We can be well-behaved if we want to.  After all, our deepest power doesn’t come when we’re breaking down doors.  It comes when we speak our truth with dignity and grace, having finally given ourselves permission to own who we are and to own our truth.

I have to admit it.  One thing that kept me out of and away from church for quite some time was that I didn’t see women like me there a whole lot.  I found it difficult to be a strong, confident, smart woman amongst a seeming sea of voices telling me I must be weak.  The message that I heard a great deal was ‘be quiet, needy, codependent….don’t think, don’t speak, just bake, and sew and be as amenable and cute and as sweet as possible….be the weaker vessel.”

The message I got was that I couldn’t be ‘me’, the way God made me, with the gifts and talents that He bestowed me with.  I had to be what other people wanted me to be and fit in.  And that didn’t work for me.

And to be honest?  I hated Proverbs 31.  No.  Seriously.  Hated it.  Mostly because you have no idea how often that passage was thrown in my face as evidence of me not being a ‘good enough woman’.  But then I took another look.  And man!  That woman is busy!  She gets a lot of stuff done!  And she does stuff all on her own, like ‘she considers a field and buys it.’

And it turns out that many of those who told me that being cute and quiet and people-pleasing really did get it wrong.  Verse 30 tells us “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain”

As I looked again, I saw things in Proverbs 31 like:

She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong….

Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future

She opens her mouth with wisdom……

I have many female friends who struggle with these things within the church as well.  And many of us left, or are leaving.  And yet, they also all struggle with what that means — the loss of a sisterhood, and the effect that has on their faith.  It’s tough.

Fight The Good Fight

At the same time, I had to admit that I become disappointed when I see good people give up the good fight.  A political example:  Evan Bayh.  I’ve liked Evan Bayh for years and anticipated (and hoped for) a future Presidential bid from him.  Then suddenly, he announced he would not run for another term and would  longer be serving in the Senate.  Why?  Because, he said, Congress is becoming increasingly dysfunctional, partisan, and not doing ‘the work of the people’.

My reaction?  Disappointment.  Disappointment rooted mostly in wondering what will be left if the good guys ‘give up and go home’.  Disappointment that he wouldn’t stay and ‘fight the good fight’ and stand up for ‘doing the work of the people.’

Be The Change You Want to See In the World

That is honestly one of my favorite quotes — ever.

And as I began to think through these things, it occurred to me:

What about the next generation?  The girls who are coming behind us on those paths we’ve forged now?  What about the other women who are also searching?  Why not stay?  Why not stay and be the example?  Why not stay and begin to talk about these things, with dignity and with grace?  Why not find and form a strong sisterhood that serves to stay and ‘be the change.’

What do you think?  Is it possible to ‘stay’ and to be the change?  In what ways can we do this?  How would that work in your world?

Love,

deb

There are times when I wonder.  I wonder what it must have been like on this day.  You know, that day ‘in between’.  Can you imagine?   Not just watching the crucifixion, but the loss of hope.  Everything they’d been working for and had faith in, they’d just seen come to an end.  (So they thought.)

We know they rested on the Sabbath.  We know the women went to the tomb with perfumes and spices they’d prepared.  And Luke tells us about two guys walking the seven miles from Jerusalem to Emmaus.  They were walking and talking and Jesus began walking and talking with them, but they didn’t know who He was.  And He asked what they were talking about.

I imagine they shot him an incredulous look as they essentially asked if he’d been living under a rock.  Being in Jerusalem and not having heard the story would be about the equivalent of not knowing Tiger Woods cheated today.

And then they said:

“But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel.” – Luke 24:21

I mean, it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist, right?  He was dead.  They watched Him die.  However they thought He was going to redeem Israel, He would have to be alive for that to happen, right?  They had the same reaction anyone would have at that point.  It’s over.  It’s done.  We were wrong.  We had hoped, but it didn’t happen.

The Plateau, The Wall & The Dip

We do that at times.  We’re working hard.  We’re pretty sure the brook hasn’t dried up and we’re still working towards that goal, that dream.  But we get tired.  Or we don’t see results as fast as we want.

You’ve done it, right?  I’ve done it.  I get all psyched up to lose weight.  I start eating right and working out.  I see the number on the scale drop and buy the smaller size jeans.  And then it stops.  It just…..stops.  And sometimes, if we’re not careful, we decide it’s not working so we’ll grab that ice cream and skip the workout.   We call it a plateau.

Runners call it hitting the wall.  A point of physical and mental exhaustion that you feel like you actually might die from if you try to keep going.

Seth Godin wrote a whole book about it called ‘the Dip.’  It’s the moment that the new hope, the fuzzy giddiness of starting the journey wears off and the less glamorous, less-hip, less-fun parts start.  For doctors, he says this is the point where you hit the organic chemistry class.  (Most people drop out about then.)

Wait For the Miracle

The key is to know whether the brook has dried up.  (In which case, arise! Go! Get thee to a new body of water quickly!)  Or if you’re simply in the ‘in between’.   Because the good stuff?  The really good stuff?  It’s on the other side of the plateau, the wall, and the dip.

You know, runners can make it through the wall.   They seek out answers, learn new information about glycogen and new training strategies and new mental strategies.  Then they go out and apply that.   Anyone who has lost weight successfully knows they can get through the plateau (and knows how).  Anyone who is a doctor got through organic chemistry.

And those guys on the road to Emmaus?  They had to assimilate new information.  They had to see things in a different way, from a different perspective.  They now could see that just because they’d watched Him die, it didn’t mean it was over.  But for a moment, for a day, they thought it was over.  They gave up and started walking.  They started talking in the past tense.  (“We had hoped….”)

But it wasn’t over.  The miracle just hadn’t happened.  Yet.

Don’t give up before the miracle happens.  Because Maybe.  Just maybe ….your miracle happens tomorrow.

Love,

deb

A little more about this space, where I’ve been, and where this is all going.  (Since you all asked.  Well….some of you have asked.  We’ll get to the ‘where it’s going’ bit in a bit too. )

Yes.  I had a nice-sized following on Twitter and Facebook, and a blog I’d spent three years building up that had led to other writing gigs.  And the business, of course.  I did all the things you’re supposed to do to build traffic, to build the numbers.  And then some things happened.  Life happened.

OK.  Let’s be real here.  ‘The guy’ happened.  To delve deeper would take a novel.  But there’s something key to know about that guy.  That guy knew me.  No.  Really.  He knew me.  He came back into my life at just the right moment, and was the only person who could have seen — and gotten past — my defenses, and the walls I’d put up around my heart.  He reminded me of who I was.  I could totally and completely be myself with him and felt fulfilled.

Then he broke my heart.  But that part, for the intents and purposes of this post, is not the important part.  He got through.  Which led me, over time, to feel more and more like I was holding up the old blog, parts of the business, parts of my personality, parts of me — that were no longer true.

Don’t Give Up

(If you read those three words and hear Kate Bush singing, you’re my new BFF.  Email me immediately.  ;-))

But I didn’t want to give it up.  Just like anyone who has invested time, sweat, energy, emotion, love, passion, and all that we invest in anything (relationships, jobs, kids, friendships, our beliefs)……I didn’t want to give it up.  I justified it all because of what I had accomplished and done.  I fought letting those parts that had dried up go because of all the work, all of me, that I’d put into it.

Whew!  That’s Hard!

But it didn’t work.  It was a struggle to keep it going.  It was a struggle to keep it up. It was a fight.  And I had to be someone that was increasingly not really ‘me’.

And that’s what we do, isn’t it?

Whether it’s a job, or relationship, a dream, a lifestyle, or a project, whatever it is….whether it is something we decided was right for us and we pursued or even when it’s something that God put in our lives for a time or a specific reason that is no longer a part of His plan for us…..we hold on.

Wade in the Water

Elijah predicted a drought in I Kings 17 and was told to go to a brook where the ravens brought bread and meat in the morning and in the evening.  And in verse 7, it happens.

“And it happened after a while, that the brook dried up, because there was no rain in the land.  Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, ‘Arise go…..’”

The brook dries up.  And still, we sit there.  We sit there and wait for the water to start flowing again.  We work harder.  We try harder.  We bang our fists against the rock.  We dig in the dirt.  We try to make the water flow again.

We become someone else for someone else to make a relationship work because we’re already invested.  We try the same strategy (or a new one) to make the same dream come to life because we’ve been at it so long and are so determined, that we just can’t give it up.  We don’t want to let other people down.  We worry about what other people will think.  So we try harder to make it work.  We justify it.  We defend it.  We push on and don’t even notice the tension, the stress, the strain, the unhappiness.

And that?  That all becomes our new normal.  The tension, the stress, the strain.  We start to think that’s us…..being happy.  And free.  And normal.

And that’s what happened, folks.  The brook dried up.  And I fought it.  I fought it hard.  But the brook dried up and it was time to “Arise!  Go!”

When it’s time, it’s time.  Sometimes, the brook dries up and it’s time to move on to a new place where everything flows freely and abundantly again.  Sure.  That might mean there is time where you walk in the wilderness for a bit. But me?  I’m heading for the ocean.  What about you?

Has your brook dried up?  In any area of your life?  Is it time to arise and walk?  To take some action?  Or to let something go?  Are you digging in the dirt?  Or wading in the water?

Love

deb

(Photo credit:  Deb Owen)

I am struggling to write today.  I’m struggling because I don’t want to go three days without it.  So I’m struggling to make something come together.  To force it.  It never works that way.  At least, it doesn’t work well that way.  Last week, everything just seemed to flow.  Photography, writing, music, conversations.

But the truth is, for me,  that that was just an oasis.  Because the truth is I’m in the wilderness.  We all go there in our lives.  We do if we’re living authentically.  We do if we’re looking to live the true, rich, full lives that we are meant to live.  We do if we are to become who God meant us to be.  If we’re doing all that, we go to the wilderness from time to time.

While we’re there in the wilderness, in the desert, things seem dry, arid, time seems to creep by.  We see the ashes of the old parts of us and parts of our lives spread around.  The jobs that are gone.  The relationships that ended.  The dreams we had to let go because they were no longer our dreams.

We haven’t found the new yet.  The new dreams aren’t clear.

We wander.

But as J.R.R. Tolkien wrote:

All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.

There is much to be found in the wilderness.  And there is much to be done there.  This is where we question.  And get answers.  We seek, and we find.  This is where we rest.  And this is where we learn more than ever…..to rely on God.  This is where faith is forged and strengthened.

But there is a surprising thing too.  This is the place where we find we are not alone.  Whether we shout out or whimper and ask, “Is anyone there?”  We find that there are others.

Look around.  It’s not just like that old poem about the beach and the one set of ‘footprints.’  Look around.  You’ll find other footprints as well.  From those who have been here before, and from others who are there right now.

They are seeking.  They are in their wilderness.  And we find that while time in the wilderness brings solitude, this is also the place where we find our soul mates.  We find friendships that are deeper than those shallowly rooted in ‘good times.’

We find others like us who are seeking, who are waiting.  We find others like us who have faith that light comes from the shadows and fire wakes from the ashes.  We find others who remind us that God has a plan and will guide us and protect us and — when it is time and when we are ready — will lead us into the promised land of the next phase of our lives.

Are you in a ‘in-between’ stage in your life?  Walking in the wilderness?  Who is there with you?  What unexpected gifts and bonuses are you finding there?

Love,

deb

(Photo credit: globevisions)

(I try to use this space to inspire, uplift, encourage, and challenge us all to think.  Today’s guest post comes from Angela Russell, who inspires, uplifts, encourages, and challenges me on a regular basis.  She’s a gifted communicator, who, given her age and her talents, has a long, bright future ahead of her to smile at.)

It’s human nature for us to compete, we compete on the basketball court or with ourselves as we have our best record we want to break.  After an experience with a group of people that had a spirit of competition, I noticed that I wanted to react in the same manner.  I had to make the choice that I would not engage in their warfare. Since that encounter I have noticed that I have been seeking an answer of why the spirit of competition isn’t such a good thing.

What I’m finding out – is that competition begins with envy. Being envious of what someone else has, what they look like, what they sound like, and the list can go on and on and on.  What else does envy let in? Envy not only opens the door to competition, but also  enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, dissensions, divisions, just to name a few. (Take a look at Galatians 5:19-21.)

After seeing what could happen if I let in competition or envy; I had lengthy conversations with a loved one (my wonderful Father) on this matter – God had laid it on his heart that… “he has nothing to prove. He has no one to impress. He only has a story to tell.”  It is up to the other person to decide whether they will listen and believe.  I decided that I too have nothing to prove, no one to impress, and that I do have a story to tell.

Since taking on this new attitude –I am free to be me. The me that God created – the one that likes to laugh, have fun with my weird sense of humor, and who does love people.  As we change to be like someone else, we end up losing a part of ourselves – a part that God created to make us unique and different,  a piece that could draw someone else to Christ.  Galatians 5:1 – “For Freedom Christ has set us free, Stand firm therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Being envious brings a yoke of slavery. I choose not be a slave any longer.  I am FREE!

When we are envious we are looking for the approval of men and not Christ. Colossians 3:23 – whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not men.

Who are you seeking approval from?

Just remember – We have nothing to prove, no one to impress – we only have a story to tell!
Follow after God’s heartbeat,
Angel

(photo credit: Deb Owen)